一定会有那么一天，记忆与想念，不会比生命更长

凌晨４点，在豆瓣写完影评看到标题的这句话。有点想哭的共鸣。无论每个人多么努力去爱，去接受，去挽回，去改变，去怀念，去疗伤，总有一天，一切都会过去。你也可以坦然的看待这一切。　期间不管经历了多少时间，拿生命的总长去衡量，总是微不足道的。

随便说

• 晚餐去了Riingo，在Alex Hotel的一楼。 气氛，装潢，服务和菜品都是我爱的。前面的吧台旁边有装饰植物的落地窗和大沙发，很想坐在那里喝上一杯，下次吧。

• 工作邮箱搞定了。C小姐发来的第二个案子，一看下面联系人，原来是以前打过交道的。这个世界就这么小。

• I was flipping through old blog articles earlier. There was this short piece I wrote after coming back from the theater. Snow started to fall as I was walking through Time Square. The street was quiet and the weather bitter. All of a sudden it dawned on me how much I will dread this coming winter. Summer, with its sunshine and endless activities, is almost the season of happiness. All you need is a walk in the park, a quick trip to the beach or simply eating some frozen yogurt on a outside bench to feel alive. But winter is quite the opposite. For the past three years, the only thing that held me together through the cold days was the thought of a certain someone across the ocean. The thought alone was enough to make me feel content and strong. But now, what do I have to look forward to?
  

• Note to self: come winter, I don't want to feel lonely.
  

Sometimes I wonder if I will become these people that make others question, "what exactly do they do anyway?" So far this week, I had a business lunch at a nice little french restaurant on Monday. We talked about projects, films, life and the little bubble that we live in called new york city. On the same day, there was the concert in the park, a trip to the library and some serious search of the perfect french restaurant to go to with my girl friends.

I thought about Billy, possibly my favorite character from One Fifth Avenue. Will I become him someday? I wouldn't mind having such fine taste in art and all other things glamorous but I certainly wouldn't want to be lonely in the way that he is.

Having a career is important for many reasons other than money. Years ago, one of the few times that my dad accompanied me and my step mother at the time on a shopping trip, I remember he looked at us both and said, you guys will never understand money the way most people do. I think he's right. "Having seen too much" is a curse. I'm almost forced to know better. But that doesn't really stop me from desiring other things in life. I still have problems verbalizing it but it's along the line of career, job, and accomplishment.

So, in the light of been responsible to myself, I made a to-do list for this week. For an unemployed person, I can be surprisingly busy too. Sometimes I wonder why people have such blind faith in me, but other times I take it as it is. Maybe I am every bit as good as they think I am.

人，遇到真正震惊的事情，那种永远都想不到会发生的事情，原来，第一反应是完完全全的不理解。

那一刻，我的身体僵掉了，心跳突然加快，面对答案，竟不知道那两个字的意义。 不是不敢承受，而是发自内心的陌生。 很悲哀，竟然动用了网络，还是不愿相信看到的答案，直到有一条，是法律的定义，只好被迫相信内心早已猜测/知晓的事实。

牙痛 2

失眠，牙痛，连牙龈也变得红肿。想起上次买的消炎茶还有剩，便起身去烧水。

茶很苦，咽下去，从喉咙到胸前都充满苦味。我只好捧着巨大的咖啡杯一小口一小口慢慢吞。

这只咖啡杯是上次跟妈妈逛街的时候买的。 我特意挑了红色最大的那只。本命年的人似乎都这么迷信。可惜它没能带来什么运气，该发生的，都发生了。

又开始疯狂的看张小娴。我还是没学会像她书里那些女人一样，忘我的付出。 但是那些心痛的时刻开始变的很真实。想起第一次看三个A Cup的女人时曾经泪流满面。不会了。 真正痛的时候，泪水很微不足道。

牙痛 1

右边那颗伴随我14年的蛀牙终于开始痛了。 不过没有心痛。

爱情，生活，都是两个人的事。不过分手却可以是一个人的事。

每个人都有一个点，可能不是那些激烈的争执或是互相伤害的话语，可是，心冷，真的只需要一个点。

如果说那些自私的想法和行为，那些欺骗的言语暂时忽略不计的话。我最无法接受的，是逻辑和价值观的混乱。 一个拥有无数情人的人，可以在婚姻中理直气壮的如此，从没有愧疚没有歉意。可当他真的爱上一个人，决定离开过往的一切的时候，却开始了无法计量的愧疚。这可能是我听过的最不好听的笑话。当然，没有人有能力去改变他人，我们能做的，只有改变自己。


那些该放下的，该遗忘的，该改变的，都试着去做吧。 哪怕每天只能迈出一小步。

I feel empty inside

Sometimes it just goes down to our basic needs. In this case, it's love or the reassurance of love.

Thursday night, two girls, both in their quarter-life crisis, hit town casual style. The food portion was tiny and borderline pretentious, but the atmosphere was just right. We spilled our sorrows over Sangria and lamented our falling relationships. I guess that is the extend of our friendship. We even feel the piercing pain at the same moment.

Friday night, two girls who have known of each other for months finally got to meet. Val was sweet, witty and down to earth. I liked her instantly. So there was, the queen, the princess, Val and diva herself, eating oysters and crab leg with warm butter. Finally, the night ended with shity Pinot Grigio and the princess posing for a picture with her favorite celeb. Did she call him Phil?

You'd think when you fill every gap during the waking hours, there is no time left for self pity. But we all forgot about the dreadful 2 am, where after much tossing and turning, there is still only one thought in my head: where did the love go?

Am I Living Now?

Last April I started this blog. At the time I was tired. Tired of school, the place and the people. In fact, the feeling of dissatisfaction was so strong that I told my own mother it was perfectly ok if she didn't come to my graduation. She didn't. And I couldn't have cared less.

I said I was barely living. So when the whole shenanigan was finally over I dragged my tired self home; spent two weeks in bed thinking I had swine flu (before H1N1 became the proper name); and then went on about life.

It's been a year of baby steps. Still I didn't think I accomplished anything until I started to quantify things in life. Could I have done more? Yes?. Am I happier than a year ago? Absolutely.

I made an list of new year resolution back in January. Probably 50% are no longer relevant. Maybe from now on I should think in terms of "blog years" instead of school year or calendar year. So what would I like to accomplish in the second blog years? How about get a driver's license (yes, this is still on), finish P90X, do the Revlon run on May 1st plus fund raise, make the movie, get on a better schedule and finally, figure out my place in life?

Now these will probably keep me busy.

It's a hard world we live in. You only have ten seconds to make the right impression. I added a few blogs to my daily watch list while enduring another sleepless night. Frugal Fashionista, Liberty London Girl and The Cherry Blossom Girl made the cut. There were probably twenty others who didn't. There's no need to read through a whole page to decide whether you like someone or not. A couple of images, a few line of their writing would do. For me, if they don't offer great fashion news/tips/ideas, they'd better be witty. Yes, I'd follow a blogger religiously if she simply has a sense of humor and whimsical writing style; I actually do.

Productive Friday Is A Sign For An Even More Productive Saturday

Happy Weekend!

Somehow I think it's a sign from God. I got up quite early today (relatively speaking) for a lunch meeting. Apparently a couple of hours make all the differences. I think God is trying to tell me if I get up earlier, my days will be better spent and much more rewarding because as of right now I'm officially happy and at peace with myself, which is rare, if you know me at all ;)

Now I'm proudly listing out what I have done today: an two hour lunch, some hang out time and apartment hunting with C, a long conversation catching up with R, antique shopping, dinner with dear mother, last work related conversation of the week with my boyfriend and finally a major clean up of my L shape hall way.

For the past months I've been tripping all over the place because the hallway is filled with clothes. It has gotten so bad I started to have trouble opening the door. Finally Moi had enough of walking around risking knee injury at any moment, so I cleaned. That is, patiently separated my laundry shop clothes, dry clean items, clean stuff and ready to give away pieces from three huge piles on the ground (did I mention the process took TWO HOURS!); followed by a little vacuuming, which took place around 12:30 am. Sure my neighbor probably thinks I'm annoying and crazy for doing that but I'm too pleased with myself at the moment to care.

God, if you are reading this blog by any miracle chance, please know that your little point of direction/sign has worked very well today. That's it for now. To be continue.

Come fly away!

A recent read on airplane traveling tips inspired me to think about my own list. After all, my passport is filled with entry and exit stamps and I'm only ten days away from an eighteen hour flight. So here we go:

Must have for hanging on to dear life sake. As soon as I pass security, I go find the biggest bottle of water in the airport and buy Two. Forget about the tiny cups they provide on the airplane. Maybe this option is a bit heavier to carry onto the plane, but when everyone around you is showing signs of dehydration (dry nose, eyes, and everything else), you'll happy that you come prepared.

Must have for looking your best during and after the flight. A ziploc bag containing a super hydrating non oil based moisturizer for the face, another heavier one for the hands, lip balm, tooth brush, toothpaste, compact mirror, mineral highlighting blush/face powder, mascara, spare contact lens, and shine hair spray. I normally re-apply moisturizers and li balm every hour or so during the flight. About an hour before landing, I make a quick run to the washroom to brush my teeth and apply a bit of makeup. Trust me, pinkish cheeks, glowing skin and nicely defined eyes and lashes make all the differences. Shiny and soft hair does not hurt either.

Must have for making the flight more tolerable. A neck pillow, a pashmina (my recent discovery and obsession. Apparently there are a secret society of women who already swear by it during traveling), my own headsets, ear plugs, scented massage balls from t Spheres, interesting book/magazine, and a watch. The list is pretty self-explanatory. I can not emphasize enough on the importance of pashmina. Did you know the blankets on planes are only washed when they actually look dirty? Your own pashmina will look stylish cruising around the airport, add the extra layer for over the top AC and be your blanket when you are ready for some rest time. How perfect is that?

Must have for taking care of your suffering body. Germs make you sick, terrible food and long sitting hours in small space make you bloated, the crying babies nearby make you restless. All these problems can be solved with a tiny bag of medicines. Personally I took with me Airborne, advil PM, Gas-X and sudafed. Not that I recommend drug yourself during long flights. The only thing I swear by is Airborne, which I take twice during the flight. The rest are nice to have on hand just in care I need one of them.

Finally the most important thing of all, traveling outfit and bags. Loose, comfortable V-neck t-shirt (yes I refuse to wear round-neck even when flying), comfortable black yoga pants, fit-flops (my forever addiction), a roomy sweater and of course pashmina. In terms of bags, I currently carry an extra large dark blue bag with brown leather details from H&M. It's roomy enough for all the items mentioned above, plus a computer and anything else I buy at the duty free shops. Plus, the bag can be hand held or carried cross-body style and the soft material ensure it fits comfortably under the chair in front of me. How perfect?

I recently read this in an interview piece, someone said that he does not make plans anymore because everything changes so fast. At the moment, I couldn't agree more.

Still, changing too much at once is a terrifying process, especially for someone who possesses no discipline in life. So I slept, in odd hours and way too much than any functional human being should ever do. I also attempted to look for comfort in food, through seamlessweb most of the times. Sadly everything tastes terrible on this side of town, be it Indian, Chinese, Italian or regular diner breakfast. In the end I'm left with less money in the bank account and a rather irritated stomach.

Then I went to the one thing that always comforted me through the years, not a therapist, just plain reading. Not so lucky this time. It is near impossible to sit and read when I'm contemplating a million things in my head.

So I decided, not having a plan is easier said than done because having a plan provides a sense of comfort (even if it's false).

There are days when I wake up in the middle of the day thinking I won't be able to function until I get a cup of skim latte from Oren's Daily Roast. On other days, I might not get up at all. My back pain is back again. Not from the usual stress factors, it probably came from the thought of not knowing.

One day I read about this scented massage balls from T-spheres and immediately ordered a pair. The smell of mint and grapefruit seriously calm me down. Now I keep them by my bedside and am determined to take them wherever I go.

The other day after dinner with K, I started talking to people about having a dog. Maybe it'll make me a better person? Perhaps it will teach me how to be more selfless?

One Sunday afternoon I finally visited C's apartment on the west side. The view was so shocking that it finally made me decide to move. People laughed when they heard my logic but the hell with them.

By this point if anyone is still reading this, you can see what happen when people have too much free time on their hands. Life becomes an unpredictable play with random discourses and monologues. Nothing has to make sense yet everything makes sense. Some days are super productive but others can be completely bland. As I'm sitting here on the couch typing semi-thoughtfully, I hear the distant traffic and drops of rain. Occasionally someone's rushing foot steps too. There is something extremely fascinating about been awake at odd hours. Maybe I'll light a cigarette and go work on the OM. After all, it is my last tie to the brief former life.

The Weather Screams Pink!

I'm surely a woman of my word. Just last week I went on a whole rant about how I need to stop buying random stuff and focus on the core. A couple days later I'm waiting for four orders to arrive at door step. Special circumstances aside, I'm still not keeping promises in general. What happen to eating better, sleep earlier and most importantly waking up earlier?

Inside my head, there is a mini-panic awaiting to happen. The weather already feel spring but my year has barely started?!? Oh the time sure fly by, if you are old enough to tell.

Color Me for Spring?

Sometimes a good night can be as simple as a cup of decaf vanilla tea with dried rose and a delightful conversation. Someone got me thinking tonight, hope I don't lose sleep over it.

In the mean time, we are two weeks away from spring. Yes it's worth all the excitement. I can't wait to put on skirts or dresses without heavy tights ;)

Project 2010, #1

It's never easy to follow fashion, in a fashionable way nonetheless. As a rather conservative shopper, the moment I finally purchased a pair of over the knee boots, the trend already moved on to ankle booties. And since I don't have all day to browse around Etsy or vintage sources, I have to wait for animal accessories to show up at Forever 21, which, as expected, takes forever!!! The whole thing is a lot like a cat and mice chase. Only, in this case the chaser is defined as a less fashion savvy shopaholics whose closet is overflowing at the moment.

Adding to the irony, the only solution I can think of, involves...shopping. Yes, you heard me right. Going through my closet, I realize how many closet basics that I'm missing, which probably explains why I shop all the time, jump from trend to trend, but yet is still dissatisfied most of the times when walking out the door. Where is the classic trench? Where are some basic ballet flat? And worse of all, do I even own a long sleeve black t-shit?

Before the situation gets too overwhelming, at least there is one thing I can feel very good about, which is the fact I know my style extremely well. Simple, classic, statement accessories, keep it black and avoid brown. Unfortunately I don't always shop accordingly.

Now, in the light of the new year (Chinese one that is), I'm going to do a(another) major closet clean out before the seasonal swap. No more, and I mean NO MORE random purchases until my closet is load up with all the necessary basics! This is going to take a while as we will need to go through four seasons. Wish me luck on this year long project!

SMILE a bit while searching deep into the soul.

STRUGGLE a little but no compromises on the height of the heels.

Occasionally, SWEAR out loud but never let anger and frustration get you down.

Whatever it is,

As long as you don't SETTLE for anything less than what your heart truly desires.

Sometimes It's Good to Get Out of Your Comfort Zone

But just for one night.......

Happy weekend!
And to the end of a rather short era.

Don't break bad news to people before bedtime ...

Don't make a business decision without your partner either. Not cool.

It's better to paddle your own canoe

Mozart, Mass in C major, k317, Coronation and Edwin Penhorwood, An American Requiem, both memorable but the rest of the program was boring at best. Thank god I had so much on my mind and good company who thought even reading the playbill was more fun than listening to that....Jersey choir boys, go back to where you from pleaaaaaaaaase!

Nothing else is worth documenting, yes my reader(s?), I'm experiencing writer's block.

One last random story before bed: After a big "disagreement", it's nice to send flowers. But if the two people in war, wait, I meant disagreement, are separated by an ocean, some Miyazaki potted plants can bring a smile out too.

From the idiot who sent picture flowers...

80后都奔三了

80后都奔三了。 最近听到这句话总是百感交集，有点想哭的悲壮。

没人能懂。 记忆中的一些碎片，曾经的憧憬，以前的未来。 每个时代有每个时代的标志，翻着三毛，听着范晓萱长大的小孩，曾经在课桌下看新概念作文选，为一些只有那个年纪才会心痛的安妮宝贝的文字而心痛。 迷恋过咖啡，甚至迷恋过涅磐这两个字。 有过无数个写不满的笔记本，甚至带锁的那一种。 曾经感叹韩寒，看着他直觉得我们的未来更加光明。 当然，那时我们还年轻，年轻到只会用互联网上九城，聊天，看卫斯理，年轻到90后还不存在。

不知不觉地，一切都变了，不再有时间为生活中的小情节唏嘘感叹，不再把喜欢的东西抄在笔记本上，没有时间去感觉，因为生活要么激情，要么混沌，反正冷漠是必需品。 唯一过去留下的痕迹只有名字，懂的人自然会懂，不懂的更不必解释。

一直是这样，心安理得的接受着变化，却不曾想，这都是长大的标记。 直到听到这句话，原来， 曾经最年轻的一代已经迈向中年了。 该成名的都出名了，该成家的都抱孩子了，大家开始给压岁钱了，开始讨论如何养父母了，韩寒说，“以前的媒体总是批评80后，可现在你听不到这样的声音，因为现在的媒体都是80后了。” 十年一瞬间，我们的社会角色都变了。

说了这么多，还是找不到想哭的原因。 难道是在感叹抓不住的时间吗？省省吧。

一直说现在很好，因为我不是会回头感叹过去美好的人。未来会更好，至少我还很理性的活着。